I prayed to you, Cas, every night!
by hectatess
Summary: We all heard Dean say those words, when he finally found Cas in Purgatory. What was it like for Cas, who felt he deserved to stay in there, to hear those prayers, every freaking night, for a year? Rated T for language.


"Castiël, come on... I know you're there. Answer me, man!" Castiël squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the voice from his head. "Ok, buddy. Just... Just be safe. I won't give up. I know you're a warrior. You'll survive. Fight those uglies." Castiël sighed. He had sent that vampire, Benny, on Dean's trail. He had heard the rumors that Benny knew a way out. An escape hatch from Purgatory, just for humans. ' _Dean... You should get out. You do not belong here. Get back to Sam. Leave me be._ '

Another day went by. Dodging vampiers, Leviathans, werewolves and even a Ruguru. Cas squated next to the stream he washed his face in every day. He drank thristily and then rubbed his face with the cold water. He always felt better after the ritual. The vampiers were nothing, nor the werewolves or even the Ruguru. The Leviathans were the real problem. They were pissed at Dean and him, because, hey, they used to be nearly invincible, and then those Winchesters had to find a weakness. To top it all off, Dean and Cas killed their big boss. Cas could still hear the taunt the last Leviathan had hurled at him, as he fled. "Angel... We're going to find your human pet, and rip his head off. Then we'll eat him. After that, we'll find you, and treat you the same way." Cas had felt his heart skip a beat. He had to keep those monsters away from Dean. Luckily they were less invincible when they didn't have a meatsuit. Just chop their head off, and done. No need for borax here. He'd shown himself a few times, luring them away from Dean and Benny. He sat down for a bit, feeling the need to sleep, but not giving in. He never really slept. He'd just close his eyes and listen to the sounds around him, feel the monsters stalk eachother, and, ultimately, him and, worse, Dean. He fell into a trance-like state, and that allowed his vessel to rest a bit. Just as the heavy drag of trance started weighing down his body today, he heard it. "I pray to Castiël to show his feathery ass. Come on, Cas. I'm not mad at you, never really was. You thought you did the right thing. I forgive you, and I'm damn sure Sam does too. Please... Cas... I need you, buddy... I saw a vampire today. She said she saw you only two days ago. That means you are fighting. Just don't lose, buddy... Please. Don't be dead..." His meditation broken, Castiël put his head in his hands and softly prayed himself, as if Dean could actually hear. ' _Dean... Please. Just go. I am not worth looking for. I am poison. I have fallen in every way possible. My dealings with Crowley were the result of me being to stubborn, to full of hubris, to think rationally. I am not worthy of your friendship._ ' He felt insignificant and small. Unsettled, Cas tried to get back into trance, but his own rambling thoughts prevented him from slipping back.

"Cas... Cas, buddy. Please. I need you. Give me a sign. We should be getting back. Sammy will be so worried about us. Benny is getting restless too. He wants to leave. I told him no way. Not without you. We're getting close to you. I can tell. I can feel it. Don't be gone, buddy." Cas almost missed the Leviathan, lunging at him. He flew off, the monster's hands just missing his tattered trenchcoat. "For the love of... Dean, really. You could have picked a better time to pray." Cas scolded into thin air. The Leviathans had found out about his daily libitations, and had lain in wait for him to show up. Cas landed over ten clicks downstream. He followed his daily routine of drinking and washing. After that, he allowed himself to think on what he'd heard in the prayer. ' _Getting closer. Please, no. Dean, go. Please. I'm not worthy to leave. I deserve this. I deserve to be the only angel in this land of abominations. The beacon to lure the monsters away from you, so you can get out safely._ ' He sat on his haunches, holding his face in his hands: a picture of dispair. Tears dripped from between his fingers onto the bank of the stream. He allowed himself these few moments of feeling emotions. After a while he resolutely pushed them all down. Weakness was a sure ride to Death here.

Once again Cas was washing his face. He stretched his wings wide and allowed his guard to drop a bit. _'Oh my Father. It's been almost a year. The Leviathans are getting ever closer, ever smarter. To make matters worse, Dean is still here too.'_ The cold water dripped from his scruffy beard onto his shoes, he was still wearing the identification bracelet from the mental hospital, as well as the V-necked shirt and the blue pants, under his dirty and tattered trenchcoat. In his cerulean eyes was a haunted look and his head kept swiveling around, trying to catch a hint of a threat. "Castiël, I hope you're still going strong, buddy. Benny and I are still looking for you." Cas closed his eyes for a second. Neigh on a year of prayers, and it still hurt. To hear that too familiar voice, gruff and pleading, telling him Dean was still around, still trying to find him. Castiël had started to scan the area not only for monsters and Leviathans, but for Dean too. He did not want to be found. He did not want to be 'rescued'. Yet Dean seemed hellbent on getting Cas out. Cas almost fled as much from him, as he did from the Leviathans.

"Cas... Cas, please. Answer me. I'm getting you, buddy. I swear..." Cas was hardly surprised to hear that gruff voice anymore. "...come on, man. You can't be gone. I need you. I always needed you." After close to a year, Cas and Dean had fallen into an unwanted routine. Around the time Cas was bathing himself, Dean would pray to him. So Cas would stop his libitations, and listen, wondering what torment the prayers would bring him that day. Today it was those three words again. "I need you." Dean never said those, to anyone. He was his own man, proud to be independant. Still, since about a year, Dean said these words to Cas, in his prayers. It was as good as an 'I love you', coming from him. Cas felt his heart break. He didn't want to hurt Dean. Never, but he also did not deserve to leave Purgatory. ' _Oh Dean. I wish Sam were here. He could help me decide what is best. He is such a wise man, even though he is just under three decades old. I am so confused. I know that to make you leave, I have to come with you, but I also know that I have to stay here. Do my pennance._ ' Sensing Leviathans near, he spread his wings and fled once again.

Cas was running from the Leviathans again, and landed at the stream, after a thourough survey of the area. No-one around for ten minutes. Cas' vessel needed it's rest. He would take that before his wash. Cas sat on his haunches, back leaning against a tree. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander to slowly sink into that restful trance. ' _If I ever do get out of here, and meet Dean and Sam again, no more lies. Even if I have to be brutal, I will be honest._ ' It was a fleeting thought, but it burried itself deep in Cas' brain. A certainty that would not leave. He would not lie to his friends anymore. The trance set in and Cas gladly let it pull him under. The trance was fitfull and Cas awoke from it, feeling unrested and ill at ease. His brain seemed sluggish. ' _Maybe a wash will refresh me._ ' he thought and he squated down at the stream, washing his hands and his face. His eyes darted around, just to be sure he was still safe. It wasn't a consious act. It had become part of surviving. Cas put his arms on his knees, wrists crossed. Unseen he stretched his wings, and folded them again, waiting for Dean's voice to cut through with his daily prayer. For anyone that would have seen him, he just looked like a man, relaxing by a stream, looking at the scenery. Suddenly it sounded out. A gruff voice, loud and relieved: "Cas!" It took Cas a second to realise it wasn't in his head. It wasn't a prayer. "Dean..." he said, unhappilly. He started to get up, looking around. Hoping against hope that Dean was calling out randomly, that he hadn't spotted him yet.

When he saw the familiar, bowlegged silhouet coming at him, he resignedly stayed put. The relief he had heard was flowing off Dean in waves. It sounded through in his chuckle, radiated from the tight hug. Dean had forgiven him. It was just that Cas himself hadn't. "Man, it's good to see you!" Dean beamed. In the background, the vampire Benny lurked. "Nice peachfuzz." Dean joked, running a finger down Cas' scruffy cheek. He introduced Benny to Cas, and all Cas could think was: ' _Damn, damn, DAMN! Why did I lower my guard?_ ' His gaze flitting between the vampire and his best friend, Cas felt torn. All he could say was: "How did you find me?" Dean seemed taken aback for a second, before answering. "The bloody way. Are you feeling okay?" Cas inwardly chuckled. Such an obscure way to ask if he was sane. "You mean am I still.." He twirled his finger around at his temple, while checking their surroundings for treats. Dean chuckled, a bit surprised at his bluntness. "Yeah, if you wanna be on the nose about it, sure." ' _Honesty, Castiël._ ' It buzzed through his mind. "No. I'm perfectly sane. But then.. 94% of all psychotics think they're perfectly sane, so I guess we have to ask ourselves, what is sane." He still let his eyes dart around, not trusting his extra senses, since they hadn't warned him about Dean and Benny. It didn't bother him that Benny questioned his leaving Dean. It was logical, and Cas knew he was right to question it. Then Dean stuck up for him, defending him. It broke his heart, hearing the trust in Dean's voice, knowing he had to betray it again. ' _Honesty... You promised yourself, even if it means being brutal._ ' He heard Dean ask him: "Some freak jumped Cas, obviously, he kicked it's ass. Right?" For a second, he thought about lying, to not hurt Dean's feelings, but his promise made him say it. "No." It wasn't loud, it wasn't apologetic. It was a simple statement and yet it took Dean a second to process. "What?" Cas' heart squeezed together. "I ran away." he said, louder this time. "You ran away?" He could hear the anger building in Dean's voice. "I had to." Cas started, but couldn't finish.

"That's your excuse for leaving me with those gorillawolves?" Cas wanted to explain, knowing full well that if he let Dean build up steam, he wouldn't get a chance. "Dean..." But he got cut off. "You bailed out and what? Went camping?! I prayed to you, Cas, every night!" The memories of those prayers tore at Cas' heart. "I know..." he said, burying the pain. "You know, and you didn't..." Dean broke off, unable to comprehend how Cas could have ignored him like that. "What the Hell is wrong with you?" Cas could feel his own temper rise, but he couldn't stop it. "I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been things hunting me, from the moment we've arrived." Dean's eyes sparked green fire. "Join the club!" he yelled. "These are not just monsters, Dean, they're Leviathans! I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them to..." He looked away when he realised his mouth had ran away with him. He never intended Dean to know this, but now he had started to say it, he had to finish it. No more lies. He looked Dean straight in the eyes and continued. "... to keep them away from you... That's why I ran." He saw the anger leave Dean as if a tap had been opened. It was replaced with awe and thankfullness. Cas turned away. He couldn't bear to see it. He didn't deserve it. If it hadn't been for him, Dean would never even have been there. Leviathans would never have left this awful place, if Cas hadn't been so full of hubris that he ignored Dean's pleas to stop trying to breach Purgatory. He couldn't stay with him, not with that weighing on his mind. "Just... Leave me, please." Cas plead, hoping that his last betrayal of Dean's trust would be enough to persuade him to leave Cas behind. But of course Dean didn't see it that way. He started to explain that they were "going home." When Cas said he couldn't, he ignored him and let Benny tell about the escape hatch. Even when the vampire let on that he didn't know if the thing was angelproof, Dean didn't give in. "We'll figure it out." he said. And then he broke Cas' resolve to stay and his heart in one sentence. "Cas, buddy, I need you." He said it, out loud, looking him straight in the eye. He said to Cas that he needed him. ' _Dean... No... I don't deserve this. I don't deserve your friendship. I'm an abomination myself. Leave me..._ ' He wanted to say all that, but all he could manage was a strangled "Dean..." No amount of pleading would change the man's mind, Cas knew that. Dean was as stubborn as he was brave. With his grimey face in a cocky smile, Dean reminded Cas that they were a team once, and in his mind they still were. "We ganked those bitches once before, we can do it again." Cas had to try again. He shook his head. "It's too dangerous." The cocky smile slid of Dean's face. "Let me bottomline it for you. I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?" His face was serious, his eyes shone with determination. Cas knew then that he couldn't win. He couldn't hurt Dean more than he already had, and still the man wasn't leaving without him. "I understand." he softly said, giving in for now.


End file.
